Sharing
The Love for A Mother
Let me introduce you to the lady that taught me about cancer, death and dying, my mother, Julia. I was given an education I never really asked for. However this turned out to be an education that I would truly cherish and value:
My Mother went to see her Primary Physician and told him it was time for her yearly mammogram. I will never forget his words! Mrs., Montiel you don’t need a mammogram at your age. Your 78! I gritted my teeth and said Doctor K. that it is exactly the reason why she needs the mammogram. Well I guess if you insist but I don’t know why. Yes I insist! We made the appointment for the mammogram and something happened that I couldn’t take her. I can’t really remember what it was, either my daughter was busy at school, I was busy with PTA or something. Maybe I just forgot. I later had to forgive myself for that. She called me one day and said “Florence, I still need to get my mammogram done” and I said “Oh Mom I’m sorry, call and make another appointment.”
The day we went to her appointment we decided to have breakfast and coffee prior. Mother never could function without her coffee in the morning; in her words she was a coffee junkie. My mother never smoked or drank alcohol, but she swore like a drunken sailor and she loved a good cup of coffee.
It started out as a normal day. She was called back and I waited and waited and waited. I felt it was an unusually long time. My hunch was right. It turned out there was a real fight happening in the back. It was the X-ray techs first day on the job. When she found Mom’s lump she decided to take more views than usually prescribed, she was being chastised for it. The lump was small but she saw it. Her words were “This looks suspicious.” “Mrs. Montiel, we need to perform a biopsy.” Several days later Mom received a call back and was told “yes, Mrs. Montiel you have malignant cancer.” I don’t remember much after that. Mom just said “blankety blank and then asked the question WHY ME? Then the anger set in.
I don’t really remember much about the appointments with the surgeon or the oncologist. I do remember my Mom saying the oncologist looked like a blankety blank mad scientist. Funny I don’t remember their names. I do however remember that the surgeon always ran 2 hours late and Mom would lay down in the room waiting for him. She told him one day that he looked like hell because he had bags under his eyes. I told her he had just returned from his honeymoon and she said ah ha lack of sleep! Guess you had a good time. He turned crimson red and she laughed and laughed. On the way home she told me that was the most fun that she had ever had at his office.
Anyway Surgery was performed on April the 12th of 1997.The mastectomy went well and they tried to send her home after only 24 hours with a fever and her blood pressure at 180/110. I don’t think so! I fought them like crazy. The crazy daughter won. I got her another day’s stay at the hospital. Physical Therapy came in and told her that she needed to start exercising her arm by walking gently up the wall like this. My Mom just smiled and said I’m exercising already. Oh that’s wonderful Mrs. Montiel-what are you doing? I’m doing this-----My son had bought her 40 dollars of lotto tickets. There was Mom full of lotto tickets in her bed just smiling and having a ball. Scratch, scratch, scratch. I brought Mom home to recuperate. It was a beautiful spring and all the red roses in my yard were in full bloom. She looked at them from her bedroom window and smiled. I couldn’t keep her here for more than a week before she wanted to get back home to her little house and her 2 terrible squeaky dogs. After her surgery the Dr. said he thought they got all the cancer and she would do just fine. At her age chemo would be hard on her. We’ll talk more about that later.
She did great for about a year and than the hammer fell. She started coughing real bad. Dummy me I never even thought about lung cancer. She never smoked. Denial!!!!
Time for the roller coaster ride of a life time. ------
Thursday Mom calls me and says she needs some shoes and off we go shopping and I take her back home before dinner. She’s fine! We had a fun day. She didn’t find shoes she liked but we stopped on the way home for lotto tickets. We always stopped for lotto tickets.
I volunteered to run the snack bar for the state championships for Lobo at UNM that week-end & this was no small task. I had not spoken to Mom for 3 days. I was so busy. I was swamped!
Sunday I get a call from my sister that Mother was in bed and she was not able to open the door. The house is dark and the dogs won’t leave mom’s side. She has not eaten for 3 days. Mom is burning up with a fever. She will not allow Sis to take her to the Dr. She is asking for me. I’m on my way. I would later have to forgive myself for that.
We have to help Mom up and get her into the car. I am so mad at myself! We go to St Joseph’s downtown and they kept us there for several hours. So many questions. I’m shaking with fear. The x-rays showed spotting on the lungs----I don’t even know how many. 15-20-30 maybe? Reason for the coughing explained! The Dr. also believed possibly there were 2 tumors on the brain. That would have to be further looked at with a brain scan. We were transported by ambulance to the hospital on Montgomery. I don’t remember why. I just remember that there was major chaos there and they immediately put us in a room for our own safety. I think there was a gang war shooting at Jefferson and I-25.
Metastasis to the lungs and brain. Once I saw the x-rays of the lungs and the tumors on the brain in black and white. I knew that there was a real chance Mom was going to die. I cursed and I do not curse!
This was going to be a long 6 months for all of us. The longest 6 months I will ever remember until my diagnosis. Those were the hardest of times and the most wonderful of times. We grew closer than I ever imagined.
Chemotherapy and radiation-full head radiation was begun. It was hard on all on all of us. She told them lets’s go! Let’s do it! Mom took it like a trooper but it took its toll on her. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks and then was released to her home. She begged them to go home they wanted to keep her longer but she would not have it. No way! The remainder of the chemotherapy and the radiation would be done on an outpatient basis at the hospital. I watched my Mom slip away slowly day by day. The cancer was eating away at her brain and her lungs. While Mom was in the hospital I saw a sign on bulletin board for a support group but I just did not quite fit in. I wish I had looked around a little more for a better fit. I did not know. Don’t give up looking for the right group. There are lots of different groups the first or the second may not be the right one for you. It would have helped me to get the information I needed if I had found the right group. I was searching on my own for information. I needed to talk to someone and I needed answers to so many questions. I did not know where to look for answers or who to ask. Actually sometimes I did not even know what questions to ask. I felt Powerless!
I moved in with Mom and left my family at our home to fend for themselves. I realized that I could not do that anymore after about one month and moved Mom to my house. Mother was not happy but I knew I needed to spend time with my husband and my teenage daughter. Jennifer was 16 at the time and needed her Mom as well. Wow what a crazy time for her as well. Yikes High School. She ignored the fact that Grandma was dying and refused to see her or to talk to her. That hurt mom a lot. She did not know why her favorite Granddaughter ignored her all of a sudden. Jennifer was separating. She was scared. We were all scared. Her Grandmother was not there anymore, that woman that moved in was a total stranger. The person who was in the room next to her was not the grandmother she knew and loved. Mom began to do very strange things and began to show some very odd behavior. Fear!!! Anxiety!!! Disbelief!!
I do to remember exactly when but I think it was 3 months after our trip to the ER that I knew that I really needed help. Sunday morning mother wet the bed and soiled herself and I told her it was ok but she told me that she wanted me to kill her and put her out of her misery. I told her no Mom I can’t do that Mom you know that and she told me why? They shoot horses don’t they? Please? I told my husband call someone now- call anyone and tell them to come immediately I need to get out of this house. My dear friend Christine came and told me where do you want to go? I do not care Christine take me anywhere. I think she took me somewhere for ice tea. I Think. I really do not know or remember. I do not know what we talked about. Christine is a great listener one of the very best. I do not know who changed the bed and watched Mom that day. I was shaking and sobbing. Shock!
That was the day that I knew that I needed help. I was so overwhelmed and so tired. I called the oncologist the next day and I told him that I needed some help!! I was told that he needed to see us at the office. I told him I really did not know if I could make it to the office by myself with Mom but I would try. It took me all day to get her bathed, dressed and transported into the car. Our appointment was at 3:30 and I barely made it. I had done Mom’s nails the evening before after dinner. Bright pink. She was very proud of them and when he was asking her questions like what day is it? And who is the president? She could not answer him but she kept showing him her manicure. He totally ignored her. Yes Uh- Uh Mrs. Montiel. Nice He made me so angry! I finally stopped him and told him look at her, pay attention to her, she showing you her nails, she’s had a manicure. She’s trying to show you that. He stopped He picked up her hand and said I apologize and he actually cried. He looked at her and said look at what we have done to you Mrs. Montiel. I am so sorry. I cried too. We went into the hallway and he said I think we have done all we can do for your Mom. I asked him how long does Mom have? He told me I do not know. I told him look I only have $9000.00 dollars period for nursing home care. That is it, tell me please. He said that should barely cover it. The nursing home would be about $3000.000 a month. He missed it by a week. That was the day that we put Mom in the hospital until I could find a home for her. I sat and told her what we were going to do and she would not look at me. She stared out the window. I explained to her that I was afraid that I would hurt her if I dropped her. I needed some help. Professional help. Mom because I love you I am doing what you need and not what you want. I would have to forgive myself for that also. She was angry at me I could tell. She would have to forgive me as well. My daughter would never walk in to that nursing home to see her grandmother.
I spent the last three months of Mom’s life at the nursing home with her. It was not my favorite place. I don’t believe it was Mom’s either.
I wish at the time I had known about the group called Share the Care I felt so guilty that I put Mom in the nursing home. Share the Care is a group that could have helped with all the jobs that I was trying to do on my own. Do not feel guilty about asking for help. Also do not feel guilty about taking some time for yourself. You must stay healthy to take care of your loved one however I did not want to leave her side for one minute. The group Share the Care could have helped me with everything I took on by myself. I now know that they are there when the need arises again. The reality that Mother was very close had hit me and I knew that I needed to take action. Acceptance!!!!
While Mom was in the nursing home I began the chores of dealing with all the legal decisions. I contacted my attorney and we drew up all the necessary documents. The Power of attorney, I searched for her last will and testament, we wrote up an Advance Health Care Directive, and also searched for any insurance papers. Mom was angry at me when I tried to ask her any legal questions. She told me I don’t give a damn-- I don’t care! Do whatever you want. I cried again. Guilt!!! I could not make her understand what I was trying to get done. (Explain the timing and what the attorney told me about her mental status). I have since done all this paperwork already since my diagnosis. I will not put my daughter and my son through this pain. It is a hard subject to talk about but so very necessary. I now know this. My children would not talk to me about it they told me to shush! I have done it for them.
I talked to Mom about all the names of her grandchildren and her great grandchildren- funny but she did not mind talking about that. Reminiscing about the past is good for the dying. They like that. She enjoyed it. We laughed at some of the memories with the grandkids. This was my way of getting info. for her obituary in the paper. She still remembered all their names and their birthdays! All 12 Grandchildren and 30 Great–grand children. She told me I still have a better memory than you do you had better write it down. I know you will forget. Write it down now Florence. Your right, Mom.
Slowly I brought up what she wanted for her funeral. She wanted my Pastor to officiate at her funeral. My Pastor went every day to talk with her even though she was not Lutheran. He was so good to her. There are so many different things to think about that when you begin to plan a funeral.
Readings, the obituary, coffin, hymns, flowers, it took 2 day’s to do everything but I am so glad I planned it in advance when I was still thinking somewhat straight. I asked her about her favorite hymns and she said oh blank you know which ones. I really didn’t!
Acceptance!!! She still had her sense of humor.
Mom’s 80th birthday was the very last day she got out of bed but was in severe pain and I knew that the cancer had spread to the bones. I asked her how her birthday cake tasted and she told me like BLANK! I have it recorded. My mom’s last swear word to me. They wanted to do another bone scan and I refused it. I told them keep her medicated and comfortable please that is all I ask of you.
This is when I really spent some quality time with Mom saying our goodbyes. This was the hardest time but the most wonderful time. She was no longer angry and she began to hug me and say I love you when I would leave at night. She forgave me. Forgiveness!!!
My Mother never did that ever during my whole childhood and adulthood until her final days. I knew she knew she was close. I would just sit and read to her or just sit in total quiet holding her hand. She slept a lot. She lost her appetite. She refused to eat. One day in the latter part of October I noticed Mom took a turn for the worst and Mom started really moaning. I asked the nurses to please give her more medication for her pain. They told me she was not due yet I told them do it anyway! They refused to Call the Dr. He will be in later today to see her they told me. I would not take no for an answer. I must admit they did not like me that day. I started going up and own the hall making a scene and saying give her her pain medication now. Give her the pain medication now! They called the Dr. and he showed up and added another patch on her shoulder. She seemed more comfortable. Sometimes you just need to make your wishes known and understood!
This is when I noticed Mother started to talk in what I thought was something drug induced or hallucinations. I now know that the dying actually communicate with their loved ones and sometimes see them. They have not lost it! They also communicate in symbolic language Like “it’s time to get in line” this was spoken by a lady who loved to travel she spent a lot of time in lines when she was traveling---this was her last line. Mother saw her Grandmother and put her hands out and said Hi Grandma. She was so happy and she was smiling-- she never stopped missing her Grandmother after she died. Her grandmother died when she was a small child. One day
Mother went camping and was having problems getting the camper leveled. She spent all day camping. Good memories. We camped a lot when I was a child. I now know we must never stop listening to them. Talk to them. This will help them achieve a peaceful death. Although Mom could no longer speak to me I knew that she could still hear me even after she had slipped into a coma.
October the 24 the Mom pitched a horrible fever of 103. I knew it was possibly her last day. That day it was sunny, then it rained, snowed, sleeted, hailed, and then a rainbow appeared. She then started the death rattle and you will know it if you have ever hear it. It hurt me to hear her. It sounded like she was having such difficult time breathing. I cried and held her hand. Pastor sat with me for a long time and he read Psalm 23 to Mom. We used that Psalm for her funeral. That day I refused to leave her bedside I did not even want to take the time to go to the bathroom. Silly me! Pastor told me that death is very private and there was a real possibility and do not be surprised if Mom was waiting for me to leave. No I was not leaving! Other friends came and stayed with me and told me Florence go and get some coffee –go and get something to eat you’re going to faint. Nope I am not leaving. Her fever went to 104 The Death rattle increased and her legs and fingers began to turn an ugly color. She was muttering but I could not understand her. She was waiting for me to leave. I had not eaten since the day before and I decided to grab a quick cup of coffee and a burger from down the street. It was about 6:30 p.m. or so. I leaned over and decided to give my Mom permission to die. I whispered into her ear and said Mom I’m ok, I’ll be fine, go and be with Jesus. I’ll miss you. I gave her permission to die.
I could not believe I did that but I knew that Mom always worried about me. I was gone for about 25 minutes I don’t even remember eating. She died while I was gone. 25 Minutes maybe! You were waiting for me to go weren’t you Mom? I bet she said blank Florence I thought you would never leave!!. When I returned there was the most peaceful beautiful smile on her face. I cheered and said good for you Mama good for you! The nurses thought I was crazy. I knew Mom was in heaven and she was out of her pain and she was with her Grandmother whom she loved so much. I told them look at her she is out of her pain and she looks so peaceful they said yes your right and they joined me in cheering for her. Good for you Julia they started cheering. Joy total Joy!!!!
The day after Mom died Pastor called and said he was coming over to go over the final plans for her funeral. I opened my coat closet and a cassette hit me on the head. It was Mom’s favorite hymns sung by Andy Griffith. I laughed until I cried. Ok Mom I get the message. You still can make me laugh.
We buried Mom on October the 27th. It was a cold, crisp, clear day with beautiful blue skies. The service was beautiful, the food for the reception was delicious and Mom would have been so incredibly surprised at the amount of people that were there to say good-bye to her. The flowers were all that beautiful shade of pink that Mom loved. Breast cancer ribbon pink. Pink the only shade of nail polish she ever owned!
Mom always wanted to live to be 80. She said that’s it-- just 80. She made it by 18 days. I have since learned that dying patients choose when to die. Sometimes it is close to their birthday, an anniversary or a holiday. October was her birth month and also October is breast cancer awareness month. That was her choice. What a beautiful season you chose Mom.
The day after Mom’s funeral I woke up and everyone went back to work and school. Back to normal. What was normal? I no longer knew what normal was. I did not know what to do with myself. I did not need to go to the nursing home or the hospital or chemo or a Dr’s office. What do I do now? I was lost. Grief! The grief was raw like an open wound.
I decided I had one phone call I really needed to make. I picked up the phone and called up my Mother’s primary care physician Dr.K. I told his secretary I needed to talk to him. She put him on the phone and I told him I just needed you to know that Mom died of breast cancer. We buried her yesterday. I guess she did need that mammogram. Didn’t she? He told me I’m sorry. Good-Bye. I have not forgiven him yet! Then I lay on my bed and cried and rocked myself like a baby in the fetal position for a long, long time in a dark room. It felt like a cleansing.
That first year was tough. Christmas, New Years Day, My birthday (she always took me to lunch), Mother’s day, her birthday, the anniversary of the day she died. Little things would make me cry, songs on the radio, a hymn (Amazing Grace especially), a card, the smell of warm homemade tortillas. Her absence was everywhere and I could not escape it.
My daughter found me one day in my closet on the floor just crying. I swear I could smell her. The smell of hair spray (cheap aqua net) and her perfume (Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamond’s) (I bought it for her for Mother’s day). My favorite shopping friend was gone. I actually picked up the phone one day several months later and dialed her telephone number to talk to her about something. We always talked while I cooked dinner than I would speed to her house with a plate of food. What you cooking good Mijita? Bring me some, quick, hurry before Stuart comes home! I’m surprised I didn’t get more speeding tickets. I’m still a bit of a speed demon. Always remember. There is no time limit to grief and everyone grieves differently. Yes time heals and I don’t cry as much. The pain isn’t as sharp but there is not a day that goes by that I do not miss my Mother, My very best friend. I need her to talk to so often when I have a problem and yes sometimes you just need your Mommy. I miss you Mom!
This is how I learned many of the lessons I would need when I was diagnosed and now share with many friends that have been diagnosed since then. Thank you for listening to my story.
Florence Seis